the past couple months i have been struggling with the direction my life is headed and where i want it to go. after the initial shock of never returning to my care-free undergraduate life, i had given in to the idea of beginning my "real-life" with a mediocre job and a satisfactory way of living.

now as the weeks go by, with no job offers might i add, i begin to wonder what other time in my life will i be able to make such deliberate and uncomplicated decisions from a list of seemingly limitless possibilities. i miss the nurturing and positive environment of the classroom setting, where you feel that you are unique and your ideas matter. however, i want to get out and experience something real, but not corporate real. i have fantasies (not those fantasies, gross) of traveling, writing, painting, late night coffee chats, and dancing.

i'm young and i only have one life. sure, i get chances and i believe in third, fourth, seventeenth chances, but you only get one life to do what you really love. i am afraid of taking risks, but who isn't? what if i fail? what if i'm not good enough? i really love art, but the choice as a career is a huge risk in and of itself.

i'm not sure about going back to school and completing a masters. it could be a huge waste of my time (maybe not huge) and i could have spent those two or three years getting experience. i also believe that i'm just not good enough.. yet. all this thinking and over-analyzing leaves me confused, disheartened, and drained. a little pathetic too..right now i pray i make the right choices or at least ones that aren't too far off track.

a ramble post, just had to write it down somewhere.