i had a very eerie dream last night. it sort of of shook up my whole day and thought process.  i dreamt that i was stuck in this time warp (or maybe more so groundhog-hog-day-esque cycle) where adam was killed, and then i forced myself to die, and then eventually after a couple times of this morbid process, we figured out a way to stay together by continuing this pattern.  we'd alter it a little bit every time, gaining realization that this was the only way we could be together. the amount of time it would take to understand that this was a situtation already repeated would become shorter, and the brief moments we knew we only had would be incredibly happy and fulfilling. i remember how unbearable of a feeling it was to think i would never see him again, or be with him again. i broke me so much that i wanted to die. i remember seeing his death in a slow excruciating capsule of time, packed with the biggest punch i've ever felt. and then when i died, i had never felt so much pain and relief simultaneously.  what's even more strange is i knew i was dreaming the whole time, and eventually after the many cycles of life-death-life-death and experiencing that temporary time with someone between the alpha and omega, i was happy? can you be lucidly lucid?

once you have a finite understanding of time and how real it can be or end, the world around becomes more arbitrary and the people you want to spend it with becomes this vital force that is so pure in existence it's impossible to explain. the dream upset me, but i am also strangely grateful for it.

"I am beside myself, peering down,
senselessly, since, for us, in space, there is
neither above nor below; and thus the expression
“He is being nibbled to death by ducks” shines
with such style, such poise, and reserve,
a beautiful, puissant form and a lucid thought."