and with money to spare and with nights at the end

i thought i would update you on how my summer has been. on a scale from 1 - 10 (10 being awesome) it's at a 8.75, that's pretty fair.  i did several things that happened on the regular and some that were the only events documented on my phone:

i had many puppy kisses and heard a lot of adam giggles.  i think i was in bed for at least 65% of the summer, basically doing nothing but rolling around in my bleach-stained sweatpants eating nutella out of the jar. i think we can also add that to my "favorite activities list" if i ever make one of those lists.

we went to the beach. a lot. we slathered on that spf 30, grabbed our chairs, 6-pack of budweiser, and a trashy magazine and headed out the door every weekend.  i think someone said we were "beach bums"? sure, if relaxing for 3+ hours while listening to ryan adams on your music bullet, sipping a frosty beverage and inspecting the creatures that walk up and down the shore is being a "beach bum," then add that to my google+ profile. i will flaunt my beach bum-ness all day long!

uh, we hung out in bed a lot. pretty sure this was after a marathon of "friday night lights" where we continued to speak like tim riggins and lyla garrity for at least 3 solid weeks post season.  my stomach still drops every time i think i won't get to see coach taylor give another locker room lecture in dillon texas. (side note: we also browsed a lot of internet memes whilst in bed--top 10 favorite activities list as well.)

frands visited! and every time a friend visits we have a "fat-kid-tour-of-norfolk."
this consists of hitting up our favorite places to eat:
- cogans
- no frill
- twest
- skinny dip
- ten top
(when britt and adam visited we added kelly's tavern, might i add that kelly's has spectacular fried potatoes AND they give you ranch without even asking. wtf!)

i went to the norfolk zoo and it was awesome. i will compare it to the san antonio zoo, which if you have not been to and you live there, go, it's fab. i got to frolic in my natural environment, as seen in the below picture. and don't confuse it with a rabies outbreak, that is just me in a state of pure excitement.

july 4th was cool because i could find a reason to wear/buy these sunglasses. that is all.

i went to new york! twice, and i will going again in september. this most recent adventure was filled with outdoor concerts, sketchy encounters, polish feasts, and smelly bus rides. we went to an after party where my skirt became the floor mop and several doughy hipsters gave us the evil eye. me no care! my budweiser was $4 and i got to dance to swedish band little dragon at this asbestos covered bar.

and don't forget the star of this blog, huxley bear. he turned one year old and he's not even showing any wrinkles. what a honey boo boo child.

(source: my instagram (follow me @helensta), anders sexcellent photo skills (@larssonanders), and seth's long arm (@seff86).

anxiety

My head lowered to the cement ground, and my newly cut bangs fell in front of my face.  I brushed them away and allowed my eyes to dart back and forth catching glimpses of metallic rocks embedded in the pavement.  I let them go from the end of the parking space all the way to the handicap sign painted in front of my feet.  For some reason I thought I could decode a message the shapes in the ground were making--the oil splatter to the left, leading to the cigarette butts on the right.  They were saying, "Let your mind race, but your body move slow."

My body answered back with the slowest moving limbs.  I could feel a lazy mass creep from my fingertips to my shoulders.  It traveled up the bones in my neck to the base of my skull. I let it slide over my brain, sending signals to my eyelids and I could feel each one of them shut over my eyes. 

I thought about how lucky I am and how sad I felt sometimes. I could feel my legs sensing the confusion, and I could hear my heart warning me about what may lie ahead.  And I felt pure happiness yesterday afternoon sitting in my car, but I couldn't tell if it was from the warmth of the seat belt that fit snug across my lap or the anticipation of holding hands with my best friend.  I let myself believe it was both.  It all felt so right that I kept double-looking both ways when I crossed the street; it was in fear that it could be easily taken away from me.

No one ever tells you about the anxiety that follows the feeling of happiness.

we'll float around and hang out on clouds

I ruffled through my purse trying to find that little leather pouch with a landscape of Maccu Piccu engraved on the front; the damn zipper is broken so I have a safety pin holding it all together. It's in such shoddy shape, it might as well be a creeping analogy of my life. I dump all the pills out, take an extra just to be sure, and force myself outside.

"I smelled your clothes, there were flakes of skin beside your hoodie, I put them up my nose." Over and over again, this song always plays in my head at the most uncomfortable moments. My teeth are jittery and my arms show goosebumps even though it's probably 95 degrees outside. I try to focus on the street signs, "Okay, so if this is 4th, then this way must be going south." Wrong. Maybe the south will be good for me. All this grit and grime; sometimes I would try to find the tallest building and take the elevator to the highest floor, just to get my head out from the basement clouds. I would use the building's public lobby bathroom, stare at myself in the the reflective cool marble, seeing it mock the sweat that was dribbling down my back and around my hairline.

I didn't get enough sleep last night, I stayed up too late hanging out on someone's rooftop talking about shit that magnifies any life experience into something you might call jaded. It's kind of funny how a city does that to a person. Everyone sneaks in and out of bedrooms, and they all come out all blurry-eyed and talkative, whatever, no amount will permanently enchant your life. We're all just sad unoriginal versions of someone else.

you were always weird, but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now.

hi there. it's been awhile, and i have about an hour to kill (it's not 4 pm on a thursday or anything...) so i thought i would share a post on authenticity and being honest. the truth is (ha ha) i'm really bad at being honest and straightforward. i admire those individuals who say what they feel, when they feel them, whether or not it is popular opinion. and it takes a certain amount of bravery to speak up; it doesn't count when you're nodding your head in agreement at the computer. so to take a baby step forward, here are some honest things about me:

- i could never be a vegetarian (and if i wanted to be one, it's because i want to lose weight)
- based on the above statement, i will admit that i am incredibly vain
- i care about your opinion of me
- i easily forgive (my mom says it's because i have a "pure heart," and i think it's because i easily forget)
- i don't know any of the lyrics to any of those dumb bar songs aka anything by journey, billy joel, U2 etc
- i actually had to google "popular songs that people play at bars" because i seriously don't even know the artists who play them
- i use thesaurus.com almost every day so i can sound smarter
- i won't remember your name
- i'm a christian
- i hate my teeth
- i didn't notice or think about race or stereotypes until i moved to norfolk
- people who talk really loud makes me really grumpy (was reminded of this from cupofjo's post)
- i am sensitive to criticism, but i can be mean too
- i'm conservative (politically)
- i get homesick
- certain people's faces annoy me (i don't really understand it, but they just do.)
- i don't like bacon (or mangoes, or doughnuts, or the flavor of butter...actually paula deen and i would not be friends)
- i get sad a lot
- i think i'm funny
- i wear the same socks for 2 days in a row (tmi?)

and i'll end there...xx

twenty five and counting

hi. i'm twenty-five and a day old today. not sure what this signifies, but i'll try to break it down as i eat my overly acidic fruit-in-a-cup.  as i get older, there are moments when i definitely feel wiser, more reasonable, and even more attractive, but then life slaps me across the face and makes me feel like i'm 10 years old again.

this is what being twenty-five means to me:

- when you get a physical and you receive negative feedback from the doctor; i guess eating all those icecream sandwiches are detrimental to my health. do those cheerios actually lower your cholesterol like they say they do in the commercials??

- that wrinkle of my face IS NOT GOING AWAY. wtf.

- yet i still get carded...everywhere

- people are talking to me about their children like i should relate...please stop. i don't.

- you switch your guilty pleasure reading from cosmo to reader's digest or shape...cosmo scares me now.

- who the fuck is One Direction and Victoria Justice (i had to google those names btw...my search terms were "new popular singers disney boy band"--that makes me feel old)

- the contestants on american idol didn't know who billy joel was or which ones were his songs AND apparently people didn't realize that titanic actually happened. OMG.

- you spend the first 18 years of your life trying to be everything your parents are not, and the universe CANNOT stop it from happening. when you're 25, you realize how much you look, act, and behave like your makers. i mean, they molded and formed you into the pole-bearer-clone-of-their-life...it's kind of creepy if you think about it. get out of my head mom.

- two words: cyber bullying (that's an "issue.")

- i love and appreciate my family more and more as i get older.

- i realize and understand the importance of God and religion in my life, how much it can help me to be a better person, and how it shapes my decisions. i'm still in awe with what it means to have something bigger, greater and infinite beyond your comprehension molding your life, and i still have years to understand it.

- i have less friends.

- i wish i was older. weird i know, but 25 is that awkward age where you're still too young to be respected in the workplace, but too old to go back to homecoming and relate to the keg stands and dramatics of a social life and school work.  half of your friends are married with kids on the way, and the other half are still living at home with their parents.

- 11 PM is borderline past my bed time.

- you have a good understanding of what you want in a partner, and you've, at least, made enough bad mistakes to know what you don't want.

- but you're still unsure of what you want in life. (dun dun DUN...do you ever know?)

- you're still young enough that it's okay to be excited about the hunger games! right??!!?!

- forever 21 is getting a little "limited too" for me...it's not okay when i start seeing a 12 year old wearing the exact same romper as me in the line to the movies. not. okay.

- this should be the age where you stop taking photos of yourself in mirrors in your bikini/skanky outfit people. and maybe you should have stopped 5 years ago. the guys that are validating your behavior by leaving comments on those pictures are NOT the kind of people you want to attract. trust me.

- when you get older, the quality of music seems to get worse. i'm sure there's some sort of mathematical correlation to this.

- you've got a saving account.

- even if it means you only have $78 in it..

- 401K?! sure.

- i still had to google it to make sure i knew exactly what that meant..

- i combat my drinking with vitamins. (gummy vitamins) i also have a pill box. shut up.

- i appreciate the value of a good friendship. maybe we've grown apart because we're not in the same chapters in our lives and we may never be as close again, but that doesn't mean i don't miss you.

- the news still puts me to sleep.

- you're still not over that dreadful feeling that you'll never get another 3-month summer break or see a light at the end of the tunnel. and you're still trying to figure out how to look forward to something other than the weekend...is retirement really 40 years away?

- it's time to stop complaining already, by the time your twenty-five it's going to become an inherit of your personality, and no one wants to hang around a whiny whitney all day. we get it, being in your twenties is hard...but if you are healthy and loved, it's not that bad. so zip it.

- you might feel more maternal. and this totally freaks you out so you get a dog. :)

- britney spears has been around for two decades. TWO DECADES.

- i have a permanent home, i bought expensive furniture. but i'm still scared to hang things on walls? commitment issues?

- i may give a lot of chances, but my expectations are lower (that doesn't mean my standards aren't high). friendship means a lot to me and if you've brushed me off or let me down, i've already dismissed you. i'm not 13 years old; if we only talk about hair, make-up and clothes, then you're probably in the acquaintance group in my google + of life. (<--ooOo)

- and as vague as this might sound, if you don't know how to be alone without a boyfriend or new best friend, make your own grown-up decisions, come up with your own likes and dislikes, if you look for validation in all the wrong places (aka social networks, boyfriends, etc) then i can't respect you enough to be a close friend.

- julia roberts looks old. like old old.

- i own at least one thing from ann taylor. (still have my nose ring ya'll!)

- i miss being worry free, weak responsibilities, butterfly crushes, slumber parties, wearing banana clips in my hair, getting my hands sticky from eating popsicles on my front porch, asking my friends if they "want to play," dialing home phones, being excused from the dinner table, my imaginary horses, and reading under my covers with a flashlight.

- but then...i remember how hard it was back then, always unsure of myself, wishing i was prettier, more popular, scared to be who i was, wanting to be accepted...roller coaster of hormones and emotions and not having the freedom to make my own decisions.

- i like twenty-five but i can't wait to be thirty.

i look like dora the explora. denim jacket and backpack.

spring pickings

hello 90s. welcome back.
crop tops are KEY for this summer. pin-dotted grey skinnies, matched with rosegold spikes, and a glow.
i think you're ready for the summer. seriously though, that st. tropez is amazing. amazing amazing.

grey polka dotted skinnies || peter pan collar crop top || spike necklace || leather satchel ||
perfect tan || tortoise karen walkers