4.03.2010

maybe today, we can put the past away

sometimes i think blogging is passive aggressive.  in general, posting thoughts, calling for action, or voicing opinion on the internet is plain old passive, but...i must roll with the times...must move with the wind and try not to fight the current. so this is me. being a hypocrite. oh well, i'm human. to be honest, sometimes the tapping away at my keys and a click of a mouse can be more satisfying than the rough scribbles of my fine tip sharpie on my sketchbook.  i think this LED screen is less intimidating than a blank page staring at me, mocking me almost, daring me to write something profound and permanent.  i will warn you that this post may be slightly vague, and i definitely will not promise you anything in the form of eloquence or grammatical correctness.  so, if you're just an innocent by-passer scanning through my blog expecting pretty pictures and a few terse sentences,  you might as well hit the back page button.

since this post seems to be going in the direction of vagueness and generalities, i think a lot of people who consider them a part of my life only know the vague and the general.  if you think reading my blog, occasionally commenting on the anecdotes of my twitter page, browsing through my recent wall posts, popping in through my gchat, or sending me a "funny" text is being a part of my life then i would say you are under the category of a passive friendship.  hey, i will say that i take part in this shallow exchange.  sure i'll respond, maybe update you on what "i did the past weekend" or reciprocate by sending you a funny link, but then we've both established the seriousness of our relationship and that's that. if, in the past couple weeks, i've tried to call, maybe we've sent a couple lengthy e-mails back and forth, i'm trying to make an effort here, while managing to stay within a level of comfort without coming off too strong or straightforward. like i said, the internet and a text makes confronting something less intimidating.  i'm definitely not trying to sever ties or even make any cliche grande statements like "i'm finding out who my true friends are" or anything of that nature, i'm just noticing things. and that you probably have a shallow understanding of my life. i'm also making the dumb assumption that people care haha because if you don't well...then i guess none of this applies to you. carry on.

maybe re-evaluate is the word.  and maybe i am a horrible friend and a friendship with me is really not worth holding onto. i really can't answer that for you or myself.  haha sometimes i have these crazy conversations in my head doubting the substance and quality of my being.  (also, the dialogue in my head is just pretty nuts itself.)  i'm not looking for a sudden influx of phone calls and heart-to-hearts or anything, i just want to see something genuine.  and you know, i probably do talk too much about myself, and this can come off entirely self-centered, but whatever. i want real. i want not only some typed message on a screen, but i need support. and maybe some people don't deserve this explained to them nor should i have to explain myself either. ha.

consider this clarification, even if you didn't ask for it. i do want deeper friendships, relationships, and i want to keep doors open.  but i need a soul meets body.

(also to clarify, i am actually almost 23 haha, and i have a tendency to have the antics, dreams and desires of a child...so that might explain the "immature" list in the post below)

this entire post is slightly immature. oh well. p.s. did you know that yoo-hoos aren't actually milk-based? explains a lot. 


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